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Then You're Boring
I found a secret phobia lurking under my bed. I wasn't really expecting it, but then I guess you never really are...you're looking for that one sock you know you had or that jar of cocoa butter (I have insanely, Mt. St. Helen's-ashy knees) and suddenly you're hit with this one personality attribute that you were perfectly content to leave under there.
This particular little bit about myself isn't surprising, really, but how far the implications reach is. I have developed this weird, intense fear of being boring. I mean, I don't expect everything that ever falls out of my mouth to be the most riveting stuff ever, but I'd really feel bad if a close personal friend came up to me and said "You know, no offense, my man, but you're about as boring as Nathaniel Hawthorne." I would have to sharpen a copy of The Scarlet Letter and fall on it in shame.
As a fledgeling storyteller and ex-performer, a lot of what I do (even writing here) is geared towards stoking some sort of reaction in people. If apathy is consistently the best I can do, then I'm not doing my job correctly. Granted, there are some things that you're just never going to excite people with unless you're *really* good, and navel-gazing is one of them. Still, the idea that the people I care about couldn't care less about what I find exciting is all manner of disturbing to me.
This isn't a plea for my gamers to go "Holy Jesus Mother of Cookies that was such an EXCELLENT game" on Wednesday nights, or for people to void their bladders with excitement when I go on a particularly dry rundown of merits of things I like. :) Now that I know this, I can learn to deal with it; but I never knew how many buttons it pressed.
I think that's one reason I take drop-offs in conversation so hard; it's never something relatively innocent like "I've got too many things going to keep up," or "I'm engrossed in something else that's taking up all of my attention." It's always an accusation: "You're not interesting enough for me to devote any energy towards, so I'm going to be over here with cool people." And like someone unfairly accused, I react (only sometimes nowadays, it used to be much worse) with anger and frustration. A lot of the time, people are perplexed at why I leave so huffily, and it doesn't occur to me at the time that maybe my imagined reason might not be the actuality.
One of the ways I can help this along is by simply relaxing and keeping things in a more balanced perspective. Easier said than done, but I've been practicing. Also, just accepting that people aren't going to find the same things I do exciting. It happens. I could sort of gear myself towards putting on a more interesting face for people and still being honest about it; you know, just punching up the aspects in my personality they respond to and keeping the topics of conversation on something they might give a damn about.
I think one of the reasons I have trouble with this is that I'm interested in just about everything. Even when someone goes off on a diatribe steeped in the ancient lore of Western philosophy, I'm mildly interested by the concepts involved though the specifics tend to go *way* over my head. Only two things really honestly bore me: constant negativity and boastful behavior.
Oh yes, this might be viewed as *blatantly* hypocritical by a lot of people, and they're probably right. :) But, really, how many times can you hear "This sucks/I rock." before it starts getting *really* old? Even Bush-bashing gets tiresome after so long; yes, we've established the fact that he sucks, but what are you *doing* about it? I just can't find that attitude even remotely interesting after a point. It's one of the few times my brain goes "There has *got* to be something better that you can be doing." If I'm trapped I start to get cagey and/or quiet, as it gets increasingly difficult to not snap at the offending person. I think that's a big reason I tend to stay away from most macrophile hangouts; the "I'm the dude!" showboaty style of RP is a great big turnoff. Well...at least in the way it tends to be presented. <:) I've been prone to both sets of behavior myself, particularly the constantly negative bit, and I always feel ashamed almost immediately afterwards. My conscience has been trained to slap me when I'm being needlessly nitpicky and I've turned the bitchiness quotient way down whenever I can. Besides, language is one of the biggest (and most often ignored) ways one can 'kill,' and I just don't like the idea of being a murderer -- of one's self-esteem, interest, time or much else for that matter. Anyway, I guess I should get back to work now. <:)
This particular little bit about myself isn't surprising, really, but how far the implications reach is. I have developed this weird, intense fear of being boring. I mean, I don't expect everything that ever falls out of my mouth to be the most riveting stuff ever, but I'd really feel bad if a close personal friend came up to me and said "You know, no offense, my man, but you're about as boring as Nathaniel Hawthorne." I would have to sharpen a copy of The Scarlet Letter and fall on it in shame.
As a fledgeling storyteller and ex-performer, a lot of what I do (even writing here) is geared towards stoking some sort of reaction in people. If apathy is consistently the best I can do, then I'm not doing my job correctly. Granted, there are some things that you're just never going to excite people with unless you're *really* good, and navel-gazing is one of them. Still, the idea that the people I care about couldn't care less about what I find exciting is all manner of disturbing to me.
This isn't a plea for my gamers to go "Holy Jesus Mother of Cookies that was such an EXCELLENT game" on Wednesday nights, or for people to void their bladders with excitement when I go on a particularly dry rundown of merits of things I like. :) Now that I know this, I can learn to deal with it; but I never knew how many buttons it pressed.
I think that's one reason I take drop-offs in conversation so hard; it's never something relatively innocent like "I've got too many things going to keep up," or "I'm engrossed in something else that's taking up all of my attention." It's always an accusation: "You're not interesting enough for me to devote any energy towards, so I'm going to be over here with cool people." And like someone unfairly accused, I react (only sometimes nowadays, it used to be much worse) with anger and frustration. A lot of the time, people are perplexed at why I leave so huffily, and it doesn't occur to me at the time that maybe my imagined reason might not be the actuality.
One of the ways I can help this along is by simply relaxing and keeping things in a more balanced perspective. Easier said than done, but I've been practicing. Also, just accepting that people aren't going to find the same things I do exciting. It happens. I could sort of gear myself towards putting on a more interesting face for people and still being honest about it; you know, just punching up the aspects in my personality they respond to and keeping the topics of conversation on something they might give a damn about.
I think one of the reasons I have trouble with this is that I'm interested in just about everything. Even when someone goes off on a diatribe steeped in the ancient lore of Western philosophy, I'm mildly interested by the concepts involved though the specifics tend to go *way* over my head. Only two things really honestly bore me: constant negativity and boastful behavior.
Oh yes, this might be viewed as *blatantly* hypocritical by a lot of people, and they're probably right. :) But, really, how many times can you hear "This sucks/I rock." before it starts getting *really* old? Even Bush-bashing gets tiresome after so long; yes, we've established the fact that he sucks, but what are you *doing* about it? I just can't find that attitude even remotely interesting after a point. It's one of the few times my brain goes "There has *got* to be something better that you can be doing." If I'm trapped I start to get cagey and/or quiet, as it gets increasingly difficult to not snap at the offending person. I think that's a big reason I tend to stay away from most macrophile hangouts; the "I'm the dude!" showboaty style of RP is a great big turnoff. Well...at least in the way it tends to be presented. <:) I've been prone to both sets of behavior myself, particularly the constantly negative bit, and I always feel ashamed almost immediately afterwards. My conscience has been trained to slap me when I'm being needlessly nitpicky and I've turned the bitchiness quotient way down whenever I can. Besides, language is one of the biggest (and most often ignored) ways one can 'kill,' and I just don't like the idea of being a murderer -- of one's self-esteem, interest, time or much else for that matter. Anyway, I guess I should get back to work now. <:)