jakebe | Vent

You know, I'm not going to get into particulars but I'm going to try my best not to be needlessly vague. I would try to say that this is just getting to me because of sickness, but that's just not the case -- this has been bugging me for months, even a year or so I guess.

What do you do with someone who *says* they're a friend, but does absolutely nothing to actually be a friend? I feel like I've tried just about anything and everything I can think of to be friendly towards this person, but I'm met with stony silences, an absolute refusal to share anything going on with them, a complete apathy about anything going on with me, and accusations that I'm not upholding my end of the whole relationship because I don't page first *and* in an attention-grabbing manner. What the *fuck*? I keep teetering on the edge of giving up and having the vain hope that maybe if I'm just patient enough and make little progresses here and there, eventually a relationship might be rebuilt, but nothing doing. I might as well be talking to a wall.

We used to be best friends, but then my own shortcomings completely wrecked that. I understand that, and accept it. I've done quite a bit since then to try and make amends, show I've changed, do my part to give this person what it wants. I've given space, I've tried to be friendly. I've been discreet. I've let them know just how much I like them. I've tried to show interest in their lives and accomplishments. I've pretended I couldn't care less. I've tried to steer conversations in a way I thought they might be interested in. All to no avail, I've been given absolutely nothing to work with. I'm tired of running my head into this immovable object.

As of now, I officially quit. I'm done. I'm tired of trying my best only to be shown it's not good enough. And at this point, it's honestly not my fault. Yes, I caused the rift initially, but this person has made it abundantly clear that there's no interest in ever bridging it. I'm fairly hurt about this, but there's nothing I can do about it; no amount of talking about it really gets anything accomplished. I guess the simple fact that I've tried for *so* long to get back into this person's good graces speaks volumes about its character, which is quite high. A very nice person, I suppose, but I haven't seen that particular side in years, and I seriously doubt I ever will again.

There. Venting done.