jakebe: (Reading Rabbit)
There's a lot to do today, so I'm going to jump right into it!

Yesterday, these were my to-do items:

To Do:
+ Finish reading and annotating my English assignment.
- Read chapter 6 of my Social Psychology text and participate in that discussion.
+ Run 3 miles out on the street.

Two out of three ain't bad, and I got about halfway through chapter 6 of my Social Psychology textbook, so yesterday was a pretty good success. Today:

To Do:
1. Finish reading chapter 6 of Social Psychology; participate in the forum discussion.
2. Write 500 words of a short story.
3. Send commission information to artist via email.

This is going to be a bit of a lighter day; I've got work and class right after that, so there's only so much time.

Gratitude:
1. I'm grateful for coffee, without which this morning would be much more difficult.
2. I'm grateful for little mysteries; a greeting card I bought yesterday has completely disappeared and it's kept me occupied for hours.
3. I'm grateful for FairfaxFawkes, a Twitter friend who drew a doodle for me to cheer me up. It totally worked. :)

Mindfulness:
1. I will be mindful of my speech today; I'll do my best not to vent or complain -- especially when I'm overwhelmed.
2. I will be mindful of my thoughts, curiously handling misanthropic or denigrating thoughts before letting them go.
3. I will be mindful of how I spend my time. There is a big "in" stack, and it will take efficiency to work it down.

My mother called me yesterday with the usual avalanche of news. She's finally come around to looking at assisted living facilities or senior-citizen apartments, which is a tremendous relief. But between her inability to maintain a proper diet, losing her dentures, paying her bills and continued troubles with her grandson, there's a lot to worry about. And man, I'm so good at worrying.
jakebe: (Buddhism)

So far this year has been an obstacle course, as I've mentioned a few times here. Work has flared up significantly as I shift positions and my company makes fairly major changes on an organizational and product level; priorities have been shuffled accordingly, and even though I'm getting better at juggling many things at once my ability to remain organized and focused still leaves a lot to be desired; and I still have a problem with saying "yes" to too much, underestimating the amount of resources and time each new thing will take. I can't pretend that I'm on the verge of figuring things out, but I do think I'm making steady (if slow) progress addressing everything.


The latest hurdle has been entirely tech-related. My laptop went out of commission when the screen was broken, and the backup laptop I brought out of storage worked for a little while before simply turning off one day and never coming back on. My desktop has been having crazy performance issues where the hard drive is pegging at 100% usage for no discernable reason, and I've eaten up so much time troubleshooting it. Depending on where you go, it could be the "Show me Windows tips" feature in Windows 10, the Superfetch or Windows Search services, Google Chrome's pre-loading capabilities or Skype doing whatever it is Skype does. It could be the AHCI driver for the Intel chip I have getting stuck in a loop, or it could actually be malware. I've tried nearly a dozen things for the past two weeks without success; Ryan and I eventually determined it has to be corrupted files on the HDD causing the OS to freak out.


Long story short, I've purchased a new laptop (at a great deal) and a new solid-state drive for the desktop that should improve things drastically. Hopefully, I'm out of the woods for now with my tech issues. But that still leaves me with a ton of sunk time where it was difficult to get anything done.


Life has been stressful for a few months now, and it doesn't look like things will abate any time soon. Stepping back to take stock of the first four months of my year, I've noticed that despite a minor crash last month I've been holding up pretty well. I'd like to think that improved diet and exercise, better sleep and a recommitment to my meditation practice has helped with that a lot -- and it has. But also, my perspective has shifted on being kept off my feet and I think this more than anything has helped me become more resilient.


The world is not a perfect place. I consider myself an idealist; there are ideals and goals that I strive to achieve and I genuinely believe the world would be a better place if everyone did the same. Not necessarily MY ideals, but some set of values that they would like to embody. I won't even pretend that the things I care about are the things that others should, too.


But those ideals can often get in the way of my ability to deal with situations where I need to adapt on the fly or respond quickly. If something goes wrong and my instinctive response is to sink into anger or depression because my vision of an ideal world has been challenged, that's a problem. Of course it would be great if all of my stuff worked, or if other people respected my time and boundaries, but that's not quite the world we live in. The only world we have is the world of what is, and we are best served accepting what is in front of us and determining the best thing to do with it.


That's not to say that I don't get angry or frustrated; I certainly have these past few weeks. But it's important for me not to get attached to those emotions, or the idea of a perfect, fair world where things are the way I prefer. I allow myself to express my frustration, vent a little, and then try to deal with whatever I need to. Giving myself space to be frustrated is important, but so is letting go of that frustration so I can see the situation as clearly as possible.


There's always a solution to a problem. Sometimes, that solution is "Walk away from this!" or "Learn to accept this will not work the way you want it to.", but there's still a solution. Really bringing this in to my understanding of the world has helped me stick with a problem longer without feeling helpless, exasperated or depressed.


This is actually something I learned at my day job in tech support. Learning how to troubleshoot is an incredibly useful skill, and while I'm not great at it I'm leaps and bounds over where I was just last year. It's a set of techniques that can be adapted for just about anything -- figuring out tech problems, or home repairs, or car problems, or even why audiences aren't flocking to your blog or story or comic. Being able to step back and look critically at something helps us to pinpoint problems and address them as best as we are able.


For example, my current serial for the Jackalope Serial Company isn't  one I've been terribly happy with. After some time taking the story apart, I've realized that my protagonist is as bland as Wonder bread, and that the supporting characters who've been introduced aren't quite engaging enough to pick up the slack. This is mostly because I set out to be a discovery writer, which really hurts me when trying to write a story on a regular basis. In order to be excited about the story, I have to know where the plot is moving. In order to know that, I have to understand how the characters relate to one another and the world around them.


The Jackalope Serial Company hasn't been a rousing success exactly, but instead of giving up on it (like I probably would have a couple years ago) I've been able to troubleshoot some problems and come back more excited and with more direction. This latest run might not live up to my ambition, but that's totally fine. I'll take stock, learn what's wrong and try a few more things to fix it.


Detaching from ideals about the way the world should be or our own meager abilities has really helped me have a healthier relationship with my mistakes and flaws. And even though 2016 is going to stay super-challenging, I feel that the challenges are shaping me up instead of wearing me down.
jakebe: (Buddhism)
Today is the first day of Lent, a 40-day period of fasting and contemplation for those of us who practice Christianity. It begins with Ash Wednesday, where Christians are marked with the ashes of palm leaves that had been blessed during last year's Palm Sunday and told "From dust you are, and to dust you will return." Over the next six weeks -- ending with Easter Sunday -- worshippers engage in prayer, penance, the giving of alms, and self-denial. For most of us who are a bit more secular, Lent is mainly a way to feel a bit better about falling off of our New Year's Resolutions by vowing to give up a bad habit for 40 days or so.
I've always been fascinated by festivals of self-denial and contemplation. Shortly after 9/11, a friend of mine still in high school practiced Ramadan as a show of solidarity with the local Muslim community and I joined in. I learned an awful lot about my relationship with food over that time and just how hard it is to deny yourself something if you've gotten used to indulging in it whenever you wanted. As the month went on, I cultivated a significant appreciation of food -- getting up before sunrise every morning to make breakfast helped me to spend some time in the quiet, loving the small bit of food I'd take in to last me the rest of the day. And eating at sunset -- often with other people -- was almost always something special. The whole month brought a mindfulness to eating and gave me a newfound respect and joy when it came to breaking bread with other people. I may not act on the lessons I've learned there right now, but I still remember them.
The period of Lent is meant to give Christians a small taste of what it must have been like for Jesus Christ those forty days he wandered in the desert before beginning his public ministry. It's a way to take a step back, focus on the things that are really important to you, put yourself in a space where you think about things a little differently. The most popular aspect of Lent -- self-denial -- can still be useful even to those of us who aren't practicing Christians by showing us just how much we've come to rely on certain things and just how little we actually need them.
If you're Christian and about to embark on the forty-day contemplation of Lent, I wish you a wonderful and holy season. If you're non-Christian and using this as an opportunity to examine your relationship to something you think you can't do without, good luck. You absolutely can, and I hope you'll have a deeper appreciation of yourself and how you work when Easter Sunday rolls around.
Me, I'm going to do my best to give up mindlessness over Lent. It's a bit of a cheat, but really zeroing in on habitual behaviors -- especially when they're negative -- is something I could really use. It's all right to get some down time, of course; but it's so much better when that's a conscious decision I've made as opposed to a default behavior I fall into whenever there's free time. I will do my best to cultivate mindfulness, to speak, write and act with purpose, to strive to make myself, my surroundings and my fellow man better.
Now it's just a matter of figuring out exactly how to do that! Are any of you giving up something for Lent? What does the observance mean to you? Have I gotten anything wrong in my understanding of it? Let me know in the comments!
jakebe: (Fandom)

Folks, it's that time again -- the time when downtown San Jose is suddenly flooded with bizarre people descending onto the Convention Center to engage their weird hobby. The volleyball girls are back! Oh, and also Further Confusion is coming up this weekend.

Of course I'll be there -- just look for the portly black dude probably wearing a sweater vest and a backpack and some sort of jackalope badge. I'm really looking forward to meeting lots of you coming from all around the country, or hooking up again with friends I haven't gotten to see for a while, or chatting with fans about the things that we love and care about. It should be a blast!

One of the best things about Further Confusion is the robust slate of panels, seminars and events that encompass almost every aspect of the furry fandom -- art, writing, music, performance, science, spirituality and crafts are all well-represented there. As a writer, I'll be on a few panels this time and I wanted to tell you about them, just in case you were interested!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14TH
OUT OF POSITION Release Party (Marriott: Almaden) - 7 PM
My good friend Kyell Gold will be releasing the latest novel in his Out of Position series -- Over Time -- at the convention! His release party will be pretty awesome, and one of the best ways to kick off a weekend-long party is by celebrating a friend's success. The book won't be available for sale there, alas, but he'll be there to chat and sign things, so it really is the next best thing.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15TH
Power and Privilege in an Anthropomorphic World (Hilton: Santa Clara) - 1 PM
I'll be talking about how to illustrate the societal effects of different species co-existing within the same world with Chipotle and my husband, NotTube. I'm really excited about this topic; it's not necessarily all about how power dynamics from the real world translate into our fictionalized furry ones, but what a whole different set of dynamics borne from the traits of vastly different species might look like. Would carnivores really dominate the power structure? How would physical characteristics shape the world? And what advantages would humans have once we lose opposable thumbs and sapience?

Write Now! (Hilton: Santa Clara) - 3 PM
Kyell Gold and I will be talking about ways to think about the shape of your short story with an eye towards finally sitting down and banging it out! We'll break down the basic elements of your story -- what you'll need to get started, most of the time -- and then providing 30 minutes to work on it using the tools you have at your disposal. How generous!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16TH
Mindfulness and Transformation in Action (Marriott: Almaden) - 11 AM
Kannik and I will be discussing the transformative power of bringing mindfulness into your life. We'll talk a bit about our perspective and background working with it, discuss examples illustrating exactly how clear and present thinking can redirect negative experiences, and engage in a brief meditation session and a few exercises to give folks a feel for using it. This is always one of my favorite times at the convention; I look forward to it every year.

Furries and the "Other" (Hilton: Santa Clara) - 4:30 PM
Here we'll be discussing how the concept of "otherness" applies to furry -- or if it even does! Mapping real-life social and political differences to furry fiction is an interesting thing; there's often not a direct parallel, but what can we learn from the way divisions are drawn? What does that say about us as creators and readers? I'll be talking about this with Mary Lowd and Chandra al-Alkani.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17TH
Brainstorming in Real Time (Hilton: Santa Clara) - 11 AM
One of the biggest things I've learned in writing last year is to always try out multiple answers to the question "And then what?" Your first answer is going to be the most common one, and the further out you go with ideas the more creative opportunities open up! Even ideas you instinctively discount can be the best ideas you have for really pushing your story into new territory. My writing group -- Chipotle, Kyell Gold, NotTube and myself -- will be hosting this panel detailing the brainstorming process and how you can use it to your benefit.

Unsheathed Live (Hilton: Santa Clara) - 10 PM
To close out the convention, the adult writing podcast is all set to go for another year! Kyell, KM Hirosaki and NotTube will talk about furry writing for adults, take audience questions and probably have a lot of wine. This is always a blast, and I'm really looking forward to going out on a high note with FC 2016!

So that's my schedule! Feel free to join me at any of these panels or say hello if you see me bumming around the convention. I'll even have business cards for the Jackalope Serial Company! Whoo!!

See you at the San Jose Convention Center this weekend, folks. It's going to be legendary!

jakebe: (Self-Improvement)
It's that time. Best of the year lists are popping up all over the pop-culture and entertainment blogs. Books, movies, TV shows, art installations, plays and musicals, even memes are being reviewed so we can try to make sense of the past twelve months. We spent how much time obsessed over that back in February? What really were the best things ever last year, now that we've had time to temper our breathless enthusiasm? What are we actually embarrassed for even liking at this point?
2015 was a big year for me, personally. I made the decision to speak up for causes that I'm passionate about in ways I never had before, and that opened up connections to folks online I'm so glad I got to make. I've shared my perspective as a gay black Buddhist who spends a lot of time pretending to be a jackalope online, my experience with my mental illness, my opinions and fears about telling stories. I've stepped into black geek, social justice and furry writer spaces, and I've found that those communities are homes I'd been searching for all my life. It's been a transformative time.
I've had to change, personally and professionally. At my day job changes in ownership and company structure forced a shift in my position, and I found myself learning technical skills that have always frightened the living shit out of me. Months later, that fear is still with me -- but I've learned how to make peace with it. I know how to use that discomfort to sharpen my focus, to be careful, to pay attention to what's necessary. The lessons I've learned from that experience I'm trying to apply to the rest of my life.
December is upon us, and we're all making one mad dash through the last holidays of the year. It feels like we're rushing through a time that we should be taking slow; the days are short, the nights are long and cold, well-built for silent contemplation. I've spent so much of my life letting my reflexes take over how I act on what I think and feel. If fear motivates my behavior, I've often let it with no questions asked. If anxiety demands comfort, I indulge in it. So many of my actions have roots in an automatic stimulus. I feel x, I do y. It didn't matter for a long time that these reflexes no longer serve a useful purpose, or worse, hold me back. I use them because I've always used them.
I've been making a persistent effort to live deliberately. I've become more consistent with my meditation, and taking the awareness cultivated on the bench throughout my day. I'm still new at this, though, so I fail quite often. When I'm overwhelmed force of habit reasserts itself and I fall back on those same ingrained behaviors. But I've gotten better at recognizing when I end up on those tracks, stopping for a minute to ask myself if I want to be there, and repositioning myself when I need to. As with everything, it's a work in progress. But progress is being made.
Everything we do throughout our lives is a choice that we've made. It can be difficult to take stock of our options and pick the best one, especially in the many moments that make up our days. Emotions demand action, we're often pressed for time, and our emotional reflexes have been well-honed. But it's helpful to double-check whether they're still useful after a certain point. We're often in situations where our first response -- our reflexive one -- doesn't fit, and it'd be better to go with something else. It's hard, slow work to do, but that awareness pays dividends sooner than I thought.
I've learned a lot more about myself this year. Learning about how my anxiety is on a fairly sensitive trigger helped me realize all the ways it influenced my decisions; I'm now working on consistently short-circuiting that system to make smarter choices. Learning that I have issues with ADHD has allowed me to recognize that there are certain things my brain will just never be good with. Far from simply letting myself off the hook with that, it encourages me to work harder (and more efficiently) by knowing I need to rely on something external instead of my own brain. Timers, to-do list and calendars have become essential; follow-through is not something I'm great with, so finding ways to make sure I finish what I start needs to be baked into every process. In this situation, knowing my limitations hasn't made me feel lesser; it's allowed me to work within and beyond them to do a lot more than I thought I could.
This year has been great. I've made a lot of progress, and I feel I see myself and the world around me a bit more clearly than before. But there's still work to do. I can be better still about how I manage my time. I could be more efficient with my projects, work through them more quickly by making sure I'm on task when I've set myself to be. Learning to be comfortable with my fear and anxiety is never something that will end. It's a project I'll be working on all of my life. But the work becomes more familiar with time and practice. Maybe it won't be easier, but I'll get better at it.
And working on the connections that I continue to make will be a big focus next year. Now that I've finally found and understand community, working hard to be a productive part of them is something I really want to do. I want to support my neighbors, both in the real world and online. What are the best ways of doing that? How can I help through my perspective and experience? What can I do to help us be better?
I'm so grateful for this year, even though it's been difficult at times. I'm thankful because it's brought me closer to so many of you. I'm really looking forward to the work of continuing what I've started here next year. I'm really looking forward to helping bring us all closer together.
jakebe: (Buddhism)

A monk asked Tozan when he was weighing some flax: "What is Buddha?"
Tozan said: "This flax weighs three pounds."

It is so impossibly hard to do one thing at a time in this day and age. As I sit to write this, I'm thinking about a number of other things -- the 500 words I promised myself I would write on a short story, populating the latest to-do app with all of the steps I'll need to take to finish all of my projects, the salmon in the oven, the vegetables on the stove, the friends who are hurting very far away, the people who dislike me. It's difficult to consistently bring my attention to the present, to the words I'm writing right now. Why is that?

We live in a time of instant gratification. If we want to know something, most of us who are reading this have a way to look it up instantly. A lot of us are lucky enough to be able to buy something we want -- if even only for a fleeting moment -- just as fast. All we have to do is go to a website, click a few buttons, and expect that what we want will arrive in a few days. This is a wonderful time, but it also means that we've lost the ability to wait for things, to be uncomfortable, to anticipate something we've worked or waited long for.

Don't worry -- I'm not going to spend this entire post talking about how instant gratification has ruined our ability to actually enjoy the moment. But it has hindered it. Because we can get so much done so quickly, it's easy to take care of business and move on to the next thing without thinking about it. Sometimes we're already thinking about the next thing before we've even finished the thing we're currently doing.

I've fallen into this trap. There are so many things I'd like to do, and there are only so many hours in the day I can do them. While I'm at work, I'm thinking about all of the writing I could be doing. While I'm home watching TV, I'm thinking about writing, or email, or work, or studying. While I'm writing, I'm thinking about all of these other projects. I'd like to try to send Christmas cards this year, and there's a limited amount of time that I can actually put that together. Same with Christmas presents. Same with any Kwanzaa plans I'd like to organize.

My life has been filled to the brim, which makes it difficult for me to find enough space to take a breath. Those breaths are absolutely necessary for orientation; they give me a sense of perspective about how far I've come, how far I have to go, allow me to enjoy the distinctive place in which I find myself. I've spent a very good part of these last few months rushing around, trying to get things done, but not enjoying the process of doing them.

The koan at the top of this post is one that I use to center myself often; Buddha nature is three pounds of flax, no more and no less. Buddha nature are these words that I'm writing, the feeling of my fingers on the keys, the sound of video game music in my ears. It is here and now. That's it.

Because I've made such great strides in determining what's been blocking me from being productive this year, the anxiety I had about my ability to do things has been replaced by a different anxiety -- one in which I'd better be doing things all the time. When I try to step back to think about all of the things that I have to do, it makes me think that any time wasted is another goal that won't be met.

This month, I would like to take a moment and focus on the three pounds of flax. I'd like to re-center myself so that I'm fully engaged in what I'm doing. It might mean that I'll be doing less, but hopefully it also means that I've invested so much more of myself in what I do achieve. Stripping away the distractions that surround me all the time to give myself over entirely to a project for a certain length of time is the only way to really enjoy the process of working.

I know how difficult this might be to pull off. December is a frenzied time of the year; we're trying to manage our daily lives -- which are full enough -- while also trying to find and buy presents, send cards, prepare for parties and Christmas itself, decorate our homes and trees, prepare for New Year's...the list goes on. This year I'm trying to do quite a bit more than I ever have before; I have a feeling a strong sense of organization, a great to-do list and a determined, efficient managing of my time is a necessity to make it to the next year without completely losing my mind.

But first, I have to make sure that I only focus on one thing at a time. First, the blog; then, a breath; then, the next project. So on, and so on, taking pleasure in the doing and completion of each task. The holidays provide an excellent opportunity to practice mindfulness and embrace single-tasking. It's high time I took it.

jakebe: (Buddhism)
When I'm not pretending to be a giant rabbit who writes fiction on the Internet, I work at a services company where I deal with customers all day. The nature of our business is such that people often mistakenly believe we're responsible for things that we aren't, so it's not uncommon for me to get calls from an irate stranger demanding that I change something I have no control over.

I would love to be able to say that my meditation and Buddhist practice enables me to respond in a calm and present manner to these calls, but I can't. It's times like these when the lizard brain takes over -- often, I'm confused about why I'm being screamed at, and that makes my chest tighten and my heart beat faster. I'll try to tell the caller why it's not my fault they're in this situation, which if I were thinking clearly I would realize is the wrong tack to take. Then an argument ensues, and all that matters is gaining the upper hand. For me, a 'win' would be getting the caller to drop their accusation of responsibility and go elsewhere. It doesn't matter whether or not they're frustrated or feel like they've been helped. As long as they stop being angry with me, specifically, that's what matters.

When I'm rational, I know that this isn't a personal thing. I'm merely the most convenient face for a problem that someone has, and since I'm on the front line as it were I'll bear the brunt of the negativity for some people. But it's really difficult to remember that as it's happening; that the person repeating "What are YOU going to do about it?" in your ear again and again isn't speaking of a literal 'you'. At that moment, you're a representation of your work place, an entire company given a voice.

I'm not sure if you would have guessed it or not, but I like to avoid conflicts whenever possible. Part of it is I don't like the stress that a conflict brings, but another part of it is the knowledge of my own temper. It's a quick one, and I've learned a while ago to disengage myself from a situation that sparks it -- chances are it'll die down quickly and I can come at it reasonably later. Obviously, this isn't an option when there's someone on the phone with you, refusing to give you space until you resolve a problem that you just can't solve.

But see, this is why you meditate. The feeling that you get on the bench, when you're just breathing, is meant to be carried with you through the rest of your life. If you can remember, all it takes is a few breaths to bring you back to mindfulness, to remember who you are and what you're doing, to take an approach to the situation that's less instinctive and more helpful.

I ended up raising my voice to the caller the last time it happened. He was especially pushy, demanding that something be done and using the time-honored "repeat yourself in a louder voice" to control the conversation. I admit, I was flustered. I took it personally and handled it poorly. At that moment, all of my meditation training went out the window. I played his game, and lost.

If I had taken just a few breaths, I would have realized the truth of the situation. He was painting me as an enemy, an obstacle to a desired outcome, but I'm really not. Instead of allowing myself to be placed into that role I could have side-stepped that relationship entirely. I could have said, "No, I'm a friend, let me help you any way I know how." While I don't have direct control over the situation, I could have come up with a somewhat workable solution with just a little thought. But it's hard to think straight when you're running on adrenaline.

One of the things that I've tried to do is tell a story of myself that runs closer to the person I would like to be. I suppose this is an advanced version of 'faking it until you make it,' but hopefully it will be useful. As I move through my day, I tell myself that I'm a friend to everyone, even the people that would rather not see me. I tell myself that I'm helpful, generous, kind, attentive, compassionate. I construct a myth of myself -- a rabbit who is an Avatar of Comfort, dedicated to putting everyone around him at ease. It doesn't always work, of course -- sometimes I forget myself and then I'm just David, grumpy and harried, who'd rather get back to whatever it was he was doing instead of being patient and helpful. But that's OK. People fail to live up to the myths about them from time to time, but it shouldn't stop them from striving for it.

That's one of the ways I 'access my totem', I suppose. I marry my vague, animist spirituality to my Buddhist practice, so that my idealized self, the picture of myself at enlightenment, is a rabbit that radiates calm and peace. I'm not sure if there's a name for that sort of thing (besides insanity), but it helps, when I remember to let it.

Does anyone else do this? What sort of stories do you tell yourself, about yourself, to encourage you to be a better person?
jakebe: (Buddhism)
January was a bear to get through because of the fallout from the holidays, followed immediately by Further Confusion. February was just about as tough -- we made the decision to move from our current apartment, were lucky enough to find a new one, packed and moved all of our stuff in just about a month. That, combined with a weird commute situation, made the first two months of the year kind of insane. Not in a bad way, mind you, just a way that made it difficult to add anything new to my plate.

Now, heading into the third month of the year, things are beginning to settle down. [livejournal.com profile] toob and I have unpacked most of our stuff, and we’re slowly but surely whipping the new apartment into shape. It’s a really nice apartment too -- with two bedrooms (we’ve converted one to a home office/computer room) and two bathrooms, we have a lot more space to stretch out in. I think [livejournal.com profile] toob would agree that it’s the nicest place we’ve ever lived. Er, besides his childhood home, which is awesome.

Anyway, now that things look to be settling somewhat before we head into what should be a busy summer, I’m ready to take a look at a few things and determine where I am. I just hit thirty years old, and I feel like I’m growing into myself nicely. I know who I am, what I value, and what kind of things I want to do with the rest of my life. That idea may change in ten years, of course, and I’m totally fine with that. Looking back on my teens and twenties, it’s strange to me how much pressure there was to figure out what I wanted to do and go after it. I think I needed to throttle back so far from my overachieving days that I am actually comfortable with myself just like this. Obviously, there are things I would like to change, but I don’t see myself as a terrible person any more.

This is a huge thing. I think that for people with a poor self-image or trapped in a depressive state, every failure points to the same over-riding belief. You will never be good enough, and you will always fail at everything you try. That belief leads you to be defeatist about everything you do, and when the inevitable disappointment happens it just roots that idea a little deeper. Eventually you’re too afraid to try anything, just because you “know” that it will lead to failure, which will just point you right back to how terrible you are. I think it’s why people never try to get out of bad situations. You don’t want to be where you are, but you don’t dare hope for anything better. Being successfully miserable is way better than trying to be happy and failing.

I’m not sure what finally broke me out of that idea, that I was a terrible person. I’m willing to lay the credit solely at [livejournal.com profile] toob’s feet, who loves me so doggedly and easily that it’s kind of impossible to think of myself that way anymore. If someone like him loves someone like me, can I be that bad? And even if I am, I don’t really have the luxury of wallowing in my awfulness any more. His love makes me want to live up to what he sees in me. In other words, he encourages me to be myself, no matter what I might think about that.

This is, more or less, completely unfamiliar territory for me. I’ve encouraged myself to sublimate my thoughts and opinions for quite a long time, so the idea of openly communicating is...weird to me. Even now, I’m not really sure what I’m doing. ;) But it’s something I’m committed to, and it’s something I’m still learning my way around.

And now that I’m committed to speaking, it’s become very important to me to balance speaking with listening. When speaking, it’s essential that I speak mindfully. Even when I argue with people (and that’s happened once or twice over the past couple of months), I’ve taken care to consider what I’m saying, who I’m saying it to, and how they’re likely to take it. It doesn’t always work, and I’m still learning the proper time and place for certain conversations, but the work is paying off. It’s still incredibly frustrating to put so much work into what I’m saying and still get misinterpreted, but honestly that might be a failing on my part. The only thing I can do is be as clear as I can, right? I can’t really control the reactions of the people I’m speaking with, no matter how much I’m angling for a particular response.

The trouble is knowing when to just accept that someone isn’t really going to ‘get you’. How much work is too much work to be understood? When do you give up on ever trying to connect with another human being? Before, that limit was very, very low. And now I’m worrying about whether my inclinations to disengage comes from that similar knee-jerk, mindless response, or if I’m pushing to be understood with someone far more than I should be.

There really isn’t one answer for all people on this. Hell, there’s not even one correct answer for one person. That’s what makes being mindful and carrying as little baggage with you as possible so difficult. You’re changing all the time, and so is everyone else. Something that is true about your relationship now might not necessarily be true even an hour from now. Nothing is permanent. It is impossible to make anything “the way it was before.” The idea of constant shifting, of never being at rest, is disconcerting, and it’s even moreso when you face the prospect of trying to connect with a similarly malleable individual. When you think about yourself and everyone else as eternally mutable beings, never the same form moment to moment, it’s a wonder that we ever get to know anyone.

Er...rabbit trailing, sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, communication.

It’s difficult, the rules are always changing from person to person and from moment to moment. Before now, depression and a poor self-image were my excuses to not even try navigating the insanely tricky proposition of just talking to someone else. Now that those aren’t in play, more or less, I’m just now becoming aware of how daunting it is just to hold a conversation with someone else. Forget actually saying what’s on your mind. Still, despite the challenge, I’m more than willing to give it a try. I have to say something, and I have something to say.

Can anyone recommend something that helps me say it? :)

November 2016

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