tag:dreamwidth.org,2017-02-14:2802805The Writing Desk of Jakebe RabbitA collection of words and fluffjakebe2018-04-25T14:58:22Ztag:dreamwidth.org,2017-02-14:2802805:490697Blowing the Dust Off2018-04-25T14:58:22Z2018-04-25T14:58:22Zpublic0It's been a while since I've used this thing, but I think it might actually help me find my way back to writing. I've had a hard time recently organizing my thoughts, and renewing a daily journal practice might help with that. So far, everything's just a jumble of things to worry about.<br /><br />I've been trying to get back to writing and it hasn't been going too well. "Boundaries", the serial that's currently stalled for my Patreon, has become difficult to figure out what to do with, and it fell into the same spot where "THE CULT OF MAXIMUS" did years ago: in the writing of it, I learned that there was a lot of stuff I needed to do before working through the story to make it better and now I'm not sure how to proceed. Do I just keep pushing through and posting parts of the story, making it as good as I can on a deadline? Or do I stop, get through the pre-writing (again), and revise everything I'd written up until now? I think that the first option would help me get over the hump now and in the future -- the whole *point* of the Jackalope Serial Company was to learn how to write on a deadline. But the perfectionist in me just can't commit to that idea; I know that the story isn't doing what I need it to do as it is, and we're into the second half of the 'episode'. How good can the resolution of the story be if the foundation of it is so rotten?<br /><br />Moving forward is the more difficult option mostly because it won't quiet that voice in the back of my head that's so hard to fight through. I don't think I can actually turn off my internal editor, the thing that wants me to tinker and go back and fix mistakes. While I've gotten *better* at fighting through it, it's still far too strong for me to finish things and put them up for criticism anywhere. That's a huge problem for me; how am I going to learn how to edit properly or use my voice or deal with criticism if I can't even finish the things I start?<br /><br />I'm also torn between working on "Boundaries", the submission for the New Tibet anthology, and my Pathfinder game. I have such limited time for writing, and making the decision to work on any one thing just makes me feel bad for not moving forward on the other things. I'm sure other multi-taskers have this problem, but I'm just not sure what...how to sit with that feeling and commit to the choice I've made. It really sucks that my anxiety disorder has just...sucked all of the joy out of writing for me right now. Whenever I sit down, I just worry about what I'm doing, all the time. I can't lose myself in the love of the words, or characters, or images. All I can think about is if I'm doing the right thing.<br /><br />I'm not sure what to do about it besides keep plugging away. Just talking about it here helps to clarify a lot of the problems I've been having; identifying and naming the block is enough to help me to deal with it, so there's that.<br /><br />The day job is...what it is. I was hit with a "performance improvement plan" back in March that I just completed last week -- with flying colors. I'm pretty proud of the work I put in to overcome that, and my manager is a great guy who I believe is invested in helping me to succeed. I really like him; he cares about people, and he's making the best of a bad situation.<br /><br />I still have to get out of here, though. The 'next-generation' product we're transitioning to is built on a fairly bad foundation, and we can't roll back our commitment to it because the last CEO effectively killed the product I've been supporting in the marketplace. We're experiencing a small rush of people leaving now -- on both sides of the Atlantic -- and I get the feeling that we're not going to be replacing those folks, just giving the ones who are left more work to do. Which is no good for anybody.<br /><br />The plan is to transition everyone in Technical Support over to the new product later this year, training folks by twos and threes. Instead of a nice one-month traveling training, they're deciding to have folks train directly with the Support Team in Belgium while they're in the US. This means that for seven weeks in August and September, they're asking me to work from 11 PM - 10 AM. My manager understands that this is a big ask, and he's pushing for a salary increase during those seven weeks and a week off at the end of training to get back to a normal schedule. Even with all of that, for the people who can absorb it best, it's basically asking someone to throw two months of their life down a hole.<br /><br />For someone like me with mental health issues, it's...asking to put my well-being in jeopardy, and I don't think I can do that. It's such a drastic change and upends my life completely, meaning that I have to rip out my social life, my support network, my routines -- all to train on a product I really don't like. If I didn't know better, I'd say that management is *trying* to push folks out. <br /><br />Fortunately, I have two leads for employment elsewhere. A couple of friends have recommended me for a position in Mountain View, which is a lot closer than my current position. I've gone through the interview process and from what I understand the company is *really* close to making an offer. The big issue is finances; the upper edge of their starting pay (which is hourly) is $7K/year less than what I'm making now. Honestly, that's fine -- I'll take the hit because I really want to work for these guys. But I asked for pay on the level of what I'm making now, and since then things have...stalled. I'm told that the hiring manager is in a small crunch period and that's the reason for the delay, but I can't help but worry because, you know, that's what I do.<br /><br />The other lead is a contract position for a Project Coordinator. I'd be working under another friend, which I don't mind at all -- but there are a lot of question marks. The contract is for a year, and there's no guarantee the position would convert to a full-time job or the contract would be extended. It's in a completely different field and would put me on the path to a Project Management career, which almost everyone says is a fairly stressful one. And I'm really worried about work-life balance here; this feels like the kind of thing that could take over my life, bit by bit. But from what I understand the position is mine for the taking and the pay is...well, even if it's only a year, I would be in MUCH better financial shape at the end of it.<br /><br />That's all I have time for right now: I gave myself a one Pomodoro limit on these things, and my timer's done beeped. See you tomorrow.<br /><br /><img src="https://www.dreamwidth.org/tools/commentcount?user=jakebe&ditemid=490697" width="30" height="12" alt="comment count unavailable" style="vertical-align: middle;"/> comments