jakebe: (Reading Rabbit)
[personal profile] jakebe
I'm not going to lie; the election last week really knocked the wind out of my sails. I cried hard on Tuesday and broke down several times on Wednesday. Since then, I've been all up in my feelings trying to process them. I've gone from anger to sadness to panic to optimism to gratitude to depression to worry to panic to...you get the idea. In a lot of ways, this feels like grief. I'm grieving the loss of the good faith I had in my fellow Americans, that they were better than this. It's hard to face the truth that so many voters responded to a message of hatred, fear and racism and thought: Yes, that's what I want for the country.

I've fallen behind on just about everything: diet, exercise, writing, schoolwork, job-training skills. One by one, I've been picking them up, dusting them off, and trying my best to move forward with them. I do this even though I have no idea how bad things will get, even though I live in a country that is demonstrably different from the one that I hoped it to be.

I still have a lot to say. Not only about Trump, but about all of the forces that have brought him into being: fear, distrust of anything different, racism, homophobia, misogyny, toxic masculinity, xenophobia, a terriible lack of compassion and a resistance to reality in favor of whatever brings us the most comfort. And now, because I know that the conversation is shifting, I feel like I need to speak up on these things with a fervor and urgency I hadn't been able to muster before. I need to speak up on behalf of the imaginary country I still believe America could be, on behalf of all of my friends, family and fellow minorities who will struggle hard through what's coming. This is not OK. This is not normal. We might not be better than this, but we could be.

Starting the clock back from zero today. For English, I have an essay response critique due tomorrow, as well as an edited draft of a previous critique. I'll need to work on that this evening to make sure I'm in good shape for class tomorrow. My first critique was an essay about the movie "Green Room," a horror movie that caught me by total surprise (and feels especially timely now). That'll be the one I edit, trying to bring things into a more recognizable shape. One benefit of the class is it's really forced me to pay attention to the overall structure of an essay and think about how every bit of it, from word choice, to sentences, to paragraphs, contributes to the whole. Every word has a job to do. You really have to be careful to make sure it's doing it's best work possible.

For short story writing tonight, I'll prioritize a short story I'm hoping I can put up on my Patreon next week. The idea is to write ahead as much as possible, so I'll knock out this first draft, let it sit for a day or two, and then polish it up and post it. We'll see if I can dash off a quick first draft now, though.

The werewolf story is coming along fairly nicely, though I've had to make peace with the fact that it's not going to be the story I want it to be in the first draft. I'm going to miss the mark, but that's OK -- get it out, see what we've got to work with, and shape it so it flies a bit truer. That's all I can do.
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